Tutorial

I love this: http://www.saltwater-kids.com/2010/02/tie-shirt-tutorial-and-giveaway.html

I'm going to make Ian one (or two). I haven't really taken the sewing machine out since I got pregnant (not enough energy)... but I'll definitely take on this project for his birthday!

Flutters

In the last few weeks I have been anxiously anticipating the feeling of movement. Little flutters and tickles to reassure me that things are ok in there.

Two days ago I received my first postcard from within. Since then I periodically get little tickles and flutters throughout the day.

Only 16 weeks until my ultrasound. So excited!

Hibernation

Things have been quiet at our house this last little while. It is February in Ottawa with bone chilling, grey days. We have been hibernating. When I get home from work I put my pj's on and most nights I am in bed by 8:00.

We are headed to Florida in two weeks for a week long vacation. Looking forward to feeling the sun on my face and playing in the ocean (I LOVE the ocean). Ian is old enough now to have a lot of fun at the beach so I'm very excited. It should be interesting to see him on the plane. The thought of which both excites and scares him (and mommy is a teeny bit curious to see what an almost three year old will be like for a three hour plane ride!). I've never been to Florida so that will be fun too.  I love travelling. Exploring a new city in a different country is exactly what we need to chase away the winter blues.

16 weeks on Monday. On March 3rd we have our 20 week ultrasound... we are definitely going to find out the gender, so I'm counting down the weeks just like I do for Christmas!

Happy

This weekend Derek asked Ian: 'What are you going to be when you grow up Ian? Are you going to be a builder?' (we were playing with building blocks).

Ian said (without hesitation): 'I'm going to be happy'.

My son amazes me everyday.

There you are!

Yesterday we had our long awaited 12 week ultrasound. We got to see with our very own eyes that little 5 cm being that has been making me so tired and making my belly grow. Both Derek and I think it's another boy. We just have that 'boy feeling' (and would be happy if we were either right or wrong). A girl would be fun because it would be different from what we know and a boy would be fun too since it would mean a little brother for Ian. The baby was kicking and squirming and punching and it was incredible to see. It was the exact proof that I needed to relax a little bit. So now it's time to have some faith and trust that everything will work out fine. I'm starting to believe that that's really true and that feels really good!

Baby, baby.

Pregnancy after the crushing disapointment of a loss is difficult. It was hard to believe that I was really pregnant. Sometimes it is still hard to believe. That things will really work out this time. Derek felt frustrated when I refused to get excited about the pregnancy. He didn't understand why I was being 'so negative'. Pregnancy and pregnancy loss affects people differently. I know he was disappointed that we lost the baby but I also know that he didn't feel the degree of grief that I did. To be fair he wasn't there when it happened. I was four hours away visiting my parents. He didn't experience the wait in the emergency room. The fear of going to the bathroom, scared to see what might be going on. The examination by the doctor. The news from the ultrasound technician that there was nothing there. Only a sac. No baby. The news from the doctor later on that they had to be sure to rule out a molar pregnancy. The trying to keep it all together and not cry in front of the doctor (who was young and cute... which somehow made it worst). And then the next day, having to stop at a public washroom (a porta-potty at a visitor centre), on my drive back home, with Ian in the back of the car, to put a diaper between my legs to catch the gushing blood. The bleeding which went on for three weeks. Wondering when will it stop? Please god, I really don't want a d&c.

Then finally my period. Then, a little later, a positive pregnancy test. And four weeks later, an ultrasound which confirmed a beating heartbeat.

Tomorrow I will be 12 weeks. I can hardly believe it. The news is out. My friends and family all know and so do my colleagues at work. So it seems this is really happening. My belly has grown. All signs point to positive. On Tuesday I have an ultrasound. I can't wait to see my baby. To confirm once again that it's really there. Alive and well. Only two more sleeps. Then maybe. Maybe after that, I can let go of the fear and finally relax into this pregnancy.

Let the baby growing in my heart catch up to the one that's been growing in my belly.

Adios 2009.... HELLO 2010!

The year 2009 has been in many ways a difficult one (at least the last half of it). My father who hasn't been well in the last few years due to complications from a stroke and problems with his circulation, broke his hip. Since then he has been walking with a walker and seems to have aged 20 years in only a few months. Once a vibrant man who was the 'life of the party', now spends his days sitting or sleeping on the couch. My mother has had to become a full time caregiver. It has been difficult to watch them in this transition. I know that they are both struggling each in their own different ways. I wish upon stars that I could make it all better... but part of being a grown-up is learning to accept the things you cannot change, and slowly letting go of the way things used to be.

A few weeks after my father broke his hip, my brother's best friend's parents both died in a car crash coming home from their son's wedding. When I try to imagine the magnitude of that loss. Both of your parents on the same day... it is unimaginable.

On the same day of the accident I started my miscarriage. Another difficult loss.

When we arrived at my parents' house for the holidays this past Sunday their house had just had a major power surge because a hydro line feeding their house broke. The power surge fried all of their electronics (tvs, computer etc). The stress of all that's happened in 2009 seemed to overwhelm a few of my family members... so the holidays this year weren't as joyful or relaxing as previous ones.

Despite all of this though I am grateful. There are many, many things to be grateful for (a loving husband, a gorgeous son, the love of family members, precious friends, I could go on and on).

2010 is a brand new year with loads of possibilities... In 2010 we will hopefully meet a little someone we're expecting on July 26th. As bad as 2009 as sometimes been, it has given us reason to be happy and expectant... since unbelievably I am 10 and a half weeks pregnant.

Happy, happy New Year!!