Saturday, July 10, 2010

Random Thoughts

I've got a lot on my mind these days. Thinking about my baby and how she's doing. Wondering when she will come and how I will deal with the labor (I remember it being painful, but I also remember being strong within myself and dealing with it... will I be able to stay centered this time with the added worry of a VBAC and the mysterious bleeding and the need to be monitored electronically for the entire labor which will reduce my ability to move around? Will I be able to get the satisfaction of pushing my baby out this time or will I end up with another surgery?). Thinking about Ian and how he will adjust to being a big brother (he's already claimed one breast as his own... even though I stopped breastfeeding him over a year and a half ago). Wondering how I will deal with mothering two little ones (where I will find the energy and patience... and more importantly enthusiasm). How going from three to four will change the dynamic in our family. Looking forward to meeting her finally. Seeing her face. Does she look like her brother or does she look completely different? (I pray she likes to sleep more than her brother did... or does).

A wise woman once told me that parenthood is all about learning to let go... and for women it starts as soon as they become pregnant. I've been practicising letting go these last few weeks. That I have no control about what's going on in my belly or how my labor will go. Trying not to care that our house isn't as clean as I'd like. That there seems to be dishes piled up on the counter 24-7. That I have no energy to cook and play with Ian the way I'd like. That I'm tired of sleeping with two large pillows between my legs and oh how I would kill for a large chilled glass of white wine. I remember when I was pregnant with Ian (12 days overdue)... I was SO tired of being pregnant. I just couldn't wait for it 'all to be over'... and imagine my surprise when I realized after he was born that the pregnant part is the easiest part of motherhood and is definitely only the beginning...

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