36 weeks

Tomorrow I am 36 weeks. While I'm all for living in the moment and appreciating each day, I really wish the baby was here already. Two weeks ago I started bleeding out of the blue. 24 hour monitoring at the hospital and the verdict was that there is no way to know for sure what caused the bleeding. Either it is a subchorionic Hematoma or a small lip of the placenta has torn away from the uterine wall. Neither of these conditions can be seen on ultrasound. The baby looked really good on the ultrasound which is the only thing that kept me sane during that time. The ob said she looked 'perfect'.  A few days after the bleeding and everything seemed to have stopped and was ok. A week later and I'm passing clots again. It is very scary to see large clots when pregnant. When I called the midwife yesterday to get some reassurance that these clots were what would be expected after a bleed, she said that we have to monitor things closely but that these 'episodes' put me at higher risk for preterm labour, placental abruption and... stillbirth. I was a little shocked by the 's' word... it didn't do anything to reassure me. Having already had two miscarriages, a stillbirth is really my worst fear. So here I am 4 weeks away from my due date and I feel like a ticking time bomb. I wish she would come already so I could hold her in my arms and see her breathing and know that she is ok. 4 weeks seems like an eternity (though I do have this feeling she'll come a little early). I'm even considering discussing the possibility of doing a scheduled c-section at 38 weeks or something (since I've had one before this doesn't seem like such a crazy notion). I don't know what an ob would think of that. All I know is living day to day is getting harder, just hoping she continues to be ok in there.